Tuesday, April 19, 2016

P is for Philosophy #atozchallenge

The philosophy of the male mind.
The following is a true account of one moment in time oft too shameful to tell, many years ago when I was too young to know better.   

Or was I?

My father was great at dispensing advice.  Whether you asked for it or not, he had an answer for everything.  I didn't say it was good advice.  When I was ready to meet girls I was way too shy.  His advice; to walk into a circle of them and boldly announce, HI! My name is Tom!"  But he'd never tell me what to say next.  As if the simple announcement of my name would cause them to fight over me and  inspire them to throw their panties at me.  The response was often, "Oh, great, we're ready to order".

There was one time he got it spot on, absolutely correct. 

I think I may have been six.  I was at my grandmother's house where my father grew up and lived after my parent's divorce.  I was thumbing through a stack of his records when I came across...

... IT.  

I was stunned.  I was amazed.  I was hypnotized by...... IT.  

IT was a current copy of Playboy magazine (circa early 70's).  By it's own magic the magazine fell open the center fold and all the mysteries of the universe revealed themselves.  

Note: At that time, I had not yet developed the slightest inclination of sexual urge so I had no idea what to do with this new information. 
I saw the female form, the curves, the softness, the magic that is woman.  I remember thinking that one  day this is gonna be great.  Like a pirate plundering the riches of kings I took the magazine for myself.  I vowed to hide it where no one would find it no matter how hard they looked for it.  These wonderful beautiful clothes-less women would be mine to gaze upon (until I figured out why). 
I was so clever in my choice of hiding place.  I hid the magazine where no one would look.  A place so secret that not even the Great Detective himself would find it.  I hid it in the hamper.  

About two hours later I was at the first of many sit towns with my father.  He explained that what I did was wrong and I shouldn't do it again.  He couldn't explain why as he was sort of smirking.  I asked him what the magazine was and why it existed and why he had it.  

Here it comes: He laid out the most advanced yet simple bit of logic that explains all of the heterosexual male species, the male mindset, male attitudes and male motivation. He thought a moment and pursed his lips and said:

Because men like to look at naked ladies.  

Let the profundity of that sink in.  

Why do men go into politics?  Why to men learn to play in bands?  Why to men play sports or want to be movie stars or be famous or surround themselves with giant phallic symbols like dragsters, fire engines and the space shuttle?  Why do small men build huge skyscrapers? What's so great about the internet, anyway? 

Because men like to look at naked ladies.

And a sure fire way, in their mind, to get to see naked ladies is to spread their giant colorful peacock (pun if you'd like) feathers to create the opportunity for as many ladies willing to be naked around them as possible.  (Notice I said nothing about men wanting to become writers...)

I'll leave this here with you as you ponder the imponderabillia of it all...


  1. Ah, those mysteries of the universe. All revealed at age six. Nothing more to discover in life. What did you ever do for an encore? I think your Dad handled it pretty well, actually. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com

    1. It was all pretty downhill from there. I mean, how could I top that? As for my father, I think he was happy to discover early that I liked girls because he wanted grandchildren someday. :)

  2. Replies
    1. I'm tellin' ya, genius observation at work.

  3. I think you may have figured out the meaning of life...at least from a man's point of view ;)

    1. It all makes sense now, doesn't it? The male mind is simpler than once thought.